Blondes vs. Brunettes #32 - Sun & Fun Time

Off to the beach -- See you next week!!

Blondes vs. Brunettes #31 - The Warring Tribes, #1

 

Thanks for checking out this week’s blog.

Last week I talked about the two young chicks at Gordon Biersch restaurant in Tyson’s Corner Mall.  No blonde this past Friday night, but the little brunette was there, complete with micro mini skirt and dark nylons. 

Nice.

I’m going to save any further discussion of this until my next “Real Deal” blog entry; that is unless I see them yanking each other’s hair out between now and then. 

This week’s entry is about warring tribes, i.e., groups of blondes and brunettes pitted against each other.

The greatest manifestation of this has been discussed in previous blog entries.  Of course, I’m talking about blonde vs. brunette powder puff football.  So here goes with a quick update, just to save you all the time of having to Google this stuff;

Houston, Texas.  On April 26^th, in their ninth annual match-up, the brunettes defeated the blondes (although I couldn’t find a score on their Facebook page). 

 

Jackson, Mississippi.  The blondes absolutely hammered the brunettes, 50-12, wow, what a beat down the blondies laid on the dark haired girls. 

Columbia, South Carolina.  This is the first year for this event in Gamecock country.

Just as an aside, many years ago when I was a single lad, I went to a military event at Fort Jackson which is adjacent to Columbia.  Other than a couple of trips to Myrtle Beach, this was my first time in the heart of the Palmetto State.

After the festivities, I went back downtown where the bars and clubs were (natch) and did a double take when I saw a couple of girls walking thru a bar wearing “Love those cocks!” t-shirts.

Huh?

And then the middle age housewife strolled by with the “Go Cocks!” shirt.

Wha?

After a couple of martinis, I asked and that’s when I found out.

Oh.

In any event, hope they have a great game, currently scheduled for June 14^th.

Madison, Wisconsin.  About 300 spectators attended and $30,000 was raised when the brunettes defeated the blondes 19-12 on May 10^th.  Not a big showing, but nicely done.

Denver, Colorado.  June 14^th is once again the date of another blonde vs. brunette battle, this one in the Mile High State.  Let’s hope somebody publishes the results!! 

Tallahassee, Florida.  June 21^st is the date.  Location: Florida State University’s Bill Harkin Field.

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OK, after 6+ months we’ve finally got to the point in the blog’s life span that the ultimate movie will be reviewed. 

Yes, that one.

The greatest blonde vs. brunette film ever made by a major studio and one of the very worst movies of all time.

Naturally, we’re talking about the Hammer Films movie, Prehistoric Women, aka Slave Girls.

The full write up can be found on Wikipedia (and no, I didn’t write this article. If I did, I would have played up the blonde vs. brunette stuff a tad more).

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Prehistoric_Women_(1967_film)

Short and to the point: an explorer stumbles thru a weird time portal/alternate universe kind of deal and finds himself in a village where brunettes have enslaved blondes.

Whoa!  Calm down.

That’s right, a bunch of bikini clad women with jet black hair have enslaved a bunch of blue eyed-blondes. 

A dick stiffening plot, no doubt about it.

This was one of Hammer Films “Cave Girl” films that also included

• One Million Years B.C. (1966)
• When Dinosaurs Ruled the Earth (1970)
• Creatures the World Forgot (1971)

Each of which had a vague blonde vs. brunette aspect to it, but more on that in a later blog entry.

http://www.mediafire.com/watch/am2m11aouty27rk/Prehistoric_Women_1.wmv

But the definitive blonde vs. brunette film was no doubt Prehistoric Women, where that perennial brunette bitch Martine Beswick is the evil queen who exploits blondes and periodically offers them up as sacrifices to the white rhinoceros (Yes, that’s right, a white rhinoceros. Please, don’t make me explain this shit).  Along the way, she kills one of the blondes in a very clever way, as you will see in the video. 

In a perfect example of a blonde vs. brunette love triangle, she and one of the blonde slave girls, played by Edina Ronay, compete for the affection of the explorer who has stumbled into the village. Of course, you know how this is going to end, after all who is a slave girl to compete with a queen?  So at the end of the movie, Ronay is offered up by Beswick as a sacrifice to the white rhino that is really fronting for a bunch of native jungle guys who simply want to fuck the blondes. Fortunately, our handsome explorer saves the day by leading a revolt of the enslaved men and blonde women against Beswick and her black haired guards. 

As the guys and blonde women beat the shit out of the brunettes in the background, Ronay and Beswick engage in a lame little scrap.  Mr. Explorer jumps in just as Beswick is about to kill Ronay with a knife, having failed to kill her in hand-to-hand combat, like a real woman would have done.  So the hero knocks out Beswick, permanently I think, and along with the freed slaves, kicks the shit out of the native guys and sends them all packing back to the jungle.  And then some lightning bolt nonsense sends him back to his own world where he hooks up with Ronay who is now appearing in the movie's final scene as a scientist's daughter

Oh, the potential of it all.  The climactic scene where the blondes revolt is a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it moment in the movie.  What we would have really wanted was a long drawn out, hand to hand slugfest between the blondes and brunettes, but it was not meant to be.

Foiled again.

A couple of interesting parts of the movie:

n  The heavy British accents are hilarious.  Throughout the movie, I half expect Henry Higgins to jump out, mid scene, accuse them all of being gutter snipes, and start giving lessons in proper English phonics.

n  At one point in the movie, Joe Explorer asks the enslaved men how in the world this all came to be and this one guy says something like: “The dark ones came to us looking for help. They weren’t very intelligent and were a tad lazy, but we helped them anyway. Eventually they seized power when we let our guard down and now they rule us.”  This is in 1967, a time of various race riots here in the USA, so I’m wondering what the hell Hammer Films was trying to say.  After all, this wasn’t their only foray into the blonde vs. brunette thing as we will see in later blog entries.

So, without question, it’s one of the worst films made in every kind of way, not the least of which is that the final battle between the blondes and brunettes never really happens in any significant way. 

http://www.mediafire.com/watch/z6i4735ou5h9cht/Prehistoric_Women_2.wmv

The critics:

"An eccentric and unloved Hammer film that uses a blondes vs. brunettes scenario.'' --The Hammer Vault.

"Idiotic Hammer Film in which the Great White Hunter stumbles into a lost Amazon civilization where blondes have been enslaved by brunettes.  Honest!  Nevertheless it has developed a cult following due to Beswick’s commanding, sensual performance as the tribe’s leader.” --Leonard Maltin's 2010 Movie Guide

An earlier blog post talked about the good-girl-blonde and the bad-girl-brunette syndrome that the media is fascinated with, and in this spirit I offer up the following analysis from the blog site

http://docfunnybone.wordpress.com/2013/09/07/spears-and-fur-bikinis-the-top-10-ladies-of-caveman-films/

“I find it funny how a majority of these films feature a blonde in the good girl role. Case in point: the stunning Ms. Ronay’s portrayal of sympathetic Sari to raven-haired Martine Beswick’s evil Queen Kari in this Hammer eye-filler. Edina sure looks like she could play a bad girl to me.”

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Below is the updated Leader Board. Since our last update, two very evil brunettes had their asses handed to them, I'm speaking of Ghebel Gor in Thor and the Amazon Women, and the psycho in the Moon in Scorpio. 

The battle between good-girl brunette Katy Jurado and bad blonde Arleen Wheelan was judged a draw although I'm sure Katy would have kicked her ass if the fight was not interrupted.

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Anyway, I don’t know about you, but I don’t control my life.  Turns out **we** are going on vacation next week. If I “paid more attention to what was said to me” I would have known this.

**Sigh**

Well, no point in complaining about Memorial Day weekend on the Outer Banks especially when it’s FREE, courtesy of my brother’s rental beach house.  Oh sure, I’ll lay out cash for booze and food and stuff, but that’s all very cool.

So what that means is no post next week, sorry!!

[[Yes, I’m worried that the blonde and brunette will go toe-to-toe with each other and I’ll miss it.  But I’m sure the bartenders will tell me if it happens.]]

Our schedule for the remainder of the year:

May

25 – Vacation

Jun

1 – Ron & Jeff

8 -- The Real Deal, Thumb Fight!

15 -- Kansas City Here I Cum, part 1

22 -- Kansas City Here I Cum, part 2

29 -- Kansas City Here I Cum, part 3

 

July

6 -- Foreign movies, various spy flicks

13 -- The Real Deal, Miss Edy

20 -- The Awesome Martine Beswick

27 -- SUMMER BREAK

 

Aug

3 -- SUMMER BREAK

10 -- SUMMER BREAK

17 -- Secretaries

24 -- Classic B&W

31 -- Don't Get into a Knife Fight with a blonde

 

Sep

7 -- Total Recall

14 -- The Real Deal again

21 -- Various peplum

28 -- Dr. Woodruff

 

Oct -- it's been a year now

20 -- Don't Get Into a Swordfight with a blonde

Nov

23 -- Football rematch

 

Dec

27 -- The survey

 

Blondes vs. Brunettes #30 - Catfights and Gunfights#2

Thanks for checking out this week’s blog.  As I said last week, this week would just be a short entry due to this being a crazy weekend, filled with family & neighbors & graduation parties, and other reasons to get plastered. Actually on Friday I managed to get wrecked at nearby Tyson’s Corner Mall here in Northern Virginia.  My fave watering hole up there is a place called “Gordon Biersch” which is a micro brewery inside the mall.

The front hostess stand has the usual young gals bussing about it.  I don’t really have the time to get into the details, but there’s **palpable tension** (as they say on TV) between one of the blondes and one of the brunettes. 

More to follow on this next week.  Maybe a catfight if we’re lucky.

https://www.mediafire.com/?hpgzd5bza7zd3tl

This week’s blog title is “Westerns”.  Being of a late hour, almost midnite, an as my condition is still wobbly and I need to get to bed and then back up and get to work, I’ll just highlight one movie this week, the legendary “San Antone” starring Katy Jurado.

More on her in the near future.

See you next week!

Blondes vs. Brunettes #29 - Couple of admin comments

Yesterday, I mistakenly forgot to highlight the  Mediafire links for the catfights in Thor and the Amazon Women and Moon in Scorpio.  So please take a look, click on the links and enjoy the action.

Also, thanks to "Anonymous" for his comments regarding the classic blonde vs. brunette battle in 7 Magnificent Gladiators ... I'll have those scenes posted later this year!!

Blondes vs. Brunettes #28 - Cruising Around Wikipedia#1

Well, you know my story, starting back when I was a young kid listening to my babysitter give me a lesson on blondes vs. brunettes.  I hit my apogee in the Kansas City area back in the early 90s (…. Don’t want to be too accurate here …) and then life moved on in a serious way and surrounded by the usual responsibilities that come along in life, I pretty much shoved the rivalry into the closet for a couple of decades.

But then the nest emptied, I established my man-cave downstairs and decided it was safe to drag the **rivalry** out of the closet.  As it emerged again I began to see the potential, given the technology, to not only “dig it” again, but to “spread it” !!

 

So here we are!! Bwah-ha-ha-ha!!

 

So I started this deal on Yahoo Groups by establishing a blonde vs. brunette group, but it was a real beeeaaacch keeping it up, especially becuz there was a limit of 5MB to the size of the videos I could upload. 

Even uploading pics was a bitch. 

Eventually, I let it die of neglect.

In its place, I turned to Wikipedia. 

You see, I had this brainstorm one day that I could write an “encyclopedic” article about Blondes vs. Brunettes.  I labored on it for a couple of months and finally submitted my masterpiece as a “new article.” 

The all-knowing, all-powerful Wikipedia editors didn’t see it quite that way, i.e., not a masterpiece at all, not even an encyclopedic article worthy of Wikipedia.

So they denied it and I was rejected. 

Crushed. 

But not defeated.

I took a couple of piece parts of my masterpiece and added them to the existing article titled “Blonde.”

No comments from the community, so I just kept on adding until it got big enough that I was able to create a new section titled “Blonde vs. Brunette Rivalry.”

And then I kept expanding that to the point where the blonde vs. brunette rivalry section was as big as the as the rest of the “Blonde” article. 

Eventually, I figured push would come to shove so I added a paragraph that spoke to Irving Klaws' work, plus I added the image of the “Blonde vs. Brunette Texas Strip-Off” VCR cover.

 

Oh boy, what I blow-up that caused.  Aside from being called a communist, a pornographer, and a destroyer of family values, the stuff was deleted.  Eventually, one member of the community threatened to move the whole she-bang out of the article and spin it off into a new article.

Oh, really?

So I let it play out and finally this one guy, whose Wikipedia name shall go unmentioned, moved the entire blonde vs. brunette rivalry section.

Well I guess that taught me a lesson, huh?

What a laugher.  So that’s how I finally managed to get “Blonde vs. Brunette Rivalry” into Wikipedia as its own article.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blonde_vs._brunette_rivalry

On its own, as an independent article for about 14 months now, garnering (if you include the redirect page) about 6,000 page views a month or 72,000 hits since inception.  Not bad.

Each paragraph of the article is a juicy nugget. You’re familiar with a couple of them:  blonde vs. brunette chess tournament and blonde vs. brunette powder puff football.  I won’t bother to go into all that again. 

 

Well, at least not this week!!  But over the next few months, we’ll back our way into some other parts of the article, like the French miniseries that featured blonde and brunette wrestling teams.  Geez, those French know how to do things right!

The one part of the article I do want to mention is the piece that discusses the Le Monde (that’s a French newspaper … ah, those French again!) article on the issue of blondes vs. brunettes.  The author, a rather astute fellow named Arnaud Leblin, pointed out that American TV has almost, without exception, characterized blonde women as having the positive values of purity, goodness, and sincerity, frequently at the expense of their brunette counterparts. The article provided several examples:

• Bewitched – Samantha, a blonde witch who is the perfect hostess and wife. In a comic twist the actress playing Samantha also plays her dark haired cousin Serena, who embodies mostly negative qualities.
• Dynasty – Blonde Krystal pitted against brunette Alexis.

• V – Both the original series in 1984 and the remake in 2009 featured an intelligent, humanistic blonde battling a brunette who was the leader of the alien cannibals.

Yep, pretty good run down, by a French guy, no less.

Basically, what this guy is referring to is the Evil Brunette construct where the dark haired and usually dark eyed woman, is the bad girl and the blonde, blue eyed female is the good girl.  

So with that long, roundabout introduction, here’s what we will talk about this week, namely two other articles I created on Wikipedia.

First, is an article on the famous movie “Thor and the Amazon Women.”

 

You can read the full Wikipedia article here

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thor_and_the_Amazon_Women

The film’s synopsis:

Thor and the Amazon Women (original title: Le Gladiatrici) is a sword and sandal picture that features a civilization of women warriors ruled by the evil Black Queen who has subjugated the men in her land. Thor and his friend Ubaratutu live in a distant village with a young blonde woman named Tamar and her young brother Homolke. Tamar’s father was the king of a seaside village who had been killed several years earlier when the Black Queen’s Amazon warriors raided the village.

As a form of entertainment, the Black Queen enslaves captive women and forces them to fight each other. Women who refuse to fight are executed by the Evil Queen’s guards. Ghebel Gor, one of the enslaved women, tells the queen about Thor and his reputation as a strongman. Aware of a legend that a strongman may cause her downfall, the queen sends her Amazon warriors to abduct Thor. They fail as Thor manages to escape their trap, but instead they capture Tamar and her brother. Subsequently, Tamar is sent to gladiator school and is trained to fight other women. During the training, Ghebel Gor tells Tamar that she hopes to never fight her because of the Tamar’s superior strength.

While Tamar trains, her brother manages to escape and returns home where he alerts both Thor and Ubaratutu and then brings them back to the queen’s village with the intent of freeing Tamar and the enslaved men. Concurrently, Yamad, the "captain general" of the Amazon warriors confides to Tamar that she secretly opposes the queen. Their conversation is overheard by Ghebel Gor who informs the queen. The captain general is subsequently executed and the queen orders Tamar and Ghebel Gor to fight to the death. Although the queen gives Ghebel Gor her choice of weapons, she loses her weapon during the fight and is forced to battle her blonde opponent with her bare hands. As they fight, Thor and Ubaratutu lead a rebellion of the enslaved men. As the rebellion spreads, Tamar kills Ghebel Gor. The Black Queen, attempting to flee, is also killed and her Amazon army surrenders. Tamar, although wounded, recovers and installs her young brother on the throne as king.


http://www.mediafire.com/watch/0gn05n5u52vz9za/Thor_and_The_Amazon_Women_2.wmv

One reviewer called the movie “about as bad as it gets.” 

Another critic ridiculed the movie, “… for its excessive use of lipstick and blue eye shadow, despite its ancient setting.”

I thought I’d highlight this movie because Ghebel (rhymes with "Maybel”) Gor (rhymes with “slut”)  is the ultimate evil brunette, a first class bitch.  How she got that way, we can only imagine.  Maybe she hated her mother and father, I mean what kind of parents name their kid Ghebel Gor?  No wonder she was pissed.  I can only imagine what kind of taunts she had to suffer as a little girl,

“Ghebel Gor’s a whore, Ghebel Gor’s a whore!”

Shhheeesh!

Susy Anderson, the goody-two shoes blonde, initially trusts Ghebel Gor, but eventually realizes that she’s a ruthless bitch.  Fortunately, she kills her as Thor engages in a tug-of-war with three hundred women as the rope he’s pulling is catching fire.

Huh?

Seriously, it’s the dumbest scene in movie history.

http://www.mediafire.com/watch/36wpdeo377cbwvg/Thor_and_the_Amazon_Women_4.wmv

http://www.mediafire.com/watch/itsblq1ft5hhb4i/Thor_and_the_Amazon_Women_3.wmv

 

The next movie up is an equally ridiculous flick called “Moon in Scorpio.”

 You can read the full article that I wrote for Wikipedia here:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Moon_in_Scorpio

Or, just blow through the plot synopsis:

Britt Ekland plays the role of Linda, who is married to Allen, played by John Phillip Law. Allen is a Vietnam War veteran. Together, they plan to take a trip to Acapulco for their honeymoon on a yacht owned by Burt (Smith) and his wife, Claire (Kesner). Joining them are a third couple, Mark (Van Bergen) and his wife, Isabel (April Wayne). Burt and Mark are also Vietnam War veterans and friends of Allen. Prior to the yacht leaving the harbor, one of the marina’s employees is stabbed to death by a mysterious figure in black pajamas.  The couples meet on the boat and set sail. During the voyage, war time flashbacks show the three men committing atrocities during their tour of duty in Vietnam to include the murdering of innocent villagers. The men are clearly troubled by this and tensions on the ship, some of which are sexual, begin to rise. Soon, the boat is vandalized, rendering some of the navigation and communications equipment inoperable. Isabel begins acting erratically and mentions several times that when the “moon is in scorpio”, bad things happen. In a short period of time, both Mark, Burt, as well as Claire are gruesomely killed, leaving only Linda, Allen, and Isabel as the survivors. Finally, Allen is killed and then, as Linda looks for him on the yacht, she surprises Isabel who is in possession of the murder weapon, an odd-shaped grappling hook. Isabel tries to kill Linda and the two women fight each other. The fight ends when Linda overpowers Isabel and stabs her to death with the grappling hook. The entire story is told via flashbacks, from Linda’s point of view, as she is the only survivor. The movie opens with an unseen person escaping from a mental institution and Linda in a hospital being comforted by a doctor. The movie closes with Linda being released from the hospital, after she has narrated her story the police.

Another brilliant plot, huh?

One reviewer said:

"From the jumbled structure, it's apparent that the movie was heavily re-edited to the point of incomprehensibility. I got the impression that Graver and screenwriter Robert Aiken originally intended the movie to be a supernatural thriller, with the veterans' past literally coming back to haunt them (either through the ghosts of the villagers they massacred, or through possession of one of the boaters). However, whatever ghostly [or] … zombie elements there may have been, they have been completely removed. The prologue and the hospital sequences were obviously tacked on afterwards, both to provide a "rational" explanation for the murders and to pad out the running time. I'm not sure whether Graver himself helmed any of the framing-sequence footage, or whether it was handled by co-producer Fred Olen Ray...in any case, the result is a mess."

No shit.

Wayne, a hot, dark eyed brunette, starred as the psychotic Isabel.  During the movie, she manages to kill all the guys on the boat.  As the critics say, it was remarkable after each death how calm the survivors were.  You’d think they’d be scratching their heads saying, “Well, I guess this cruise is over, time to head in!”  Nope, they just keep bullshitting with each other.  Fortunately, the movie comes to an end when Wayne and Britt Ekland go toe-to-toe with each other.  Naturally, you know who’s going to win the fight.

https://www.mediafire.com/?jqdy239dpylf4fl

 

OK, that’s it for this week.  My fingers are ready to fall off.

Next week, just a short note due to other commitments.