Janet Margolin. In her prime years, some considered her one of Hollywood's most
beautiful women. Shame that she died at the too young age of 50 from ovarian
cancer. During her career as an actress, she gave us one legendary battle with
a blond.
Co-starring in Planet Earth, Margolin played the role of a
scientist in a post-apocalyptic world who was given the mission, and I'll avoid
boring you with the details and get right to the important stuff, to penetrate
an Amazon society that had enslaved men. To bolster her credibility with the
Amazons and also because he was part of the mission, she took along the
smoldering male brunette, John Saxon, with her. Much to her surprise, her first
encounter as she traveled to the village of the amazons was with the Amazon
ruler, played by Diana Muldaur. Muldaur with her dirty blond hair, bright
blue eyes, and fair complexion, presented a good contrast with
Margolin who, with her jet black hair, large dark eyes, and olive skin, looked like a classic brunette.
Margolin's peaceful ways didn't sit well
with the aggressive Muldaur who upon laying her eyes on the dark haired Saxon,
challenged Margolin to a fight. On horseback, life in a post apocalyptic world
apparently not allowing for cars, Margolin tried to talk her way out of fighting
Muldaur, but the blond Amazon, also on horseback, would have none of it. She gave a swift backhand to the dark haired Margolin, knocking her off her horse, and then
trotted away with Saxon.
Watch: Harper Smythe asks for directions
Planet Earth was an ABC-TV movie of the week.
These 90 minute movies were quite popular in the 1970s and were occasionally
launching points for TV series.
Watching the blond Muldaur slug
Margolin, I immediately blushed, got aroused and panicked. The whole family was
watching. What were they thinking? It's not like you watch women fight each
other on TV every night. All I could think of was Grindel explaining blond and
brunette fights to me a few years earlier. What was going through the mind of
mom (dark brunette) and dad (brunette)? I dared not look as the show
cut to a commercial. But when I did, I noticed that my dad was already
snoozing. The movie was 30 minutes old and had been a clunker thus far - I
guess he didn't think it was worth watching. My mom had her head in a book, and
my little brother ... well, who cares ...
After a decent interval, I
softly announced to my mother that I has some studying to do and excused myself
to the downstairs family den. Which also had a TV. As I got up, my little bro
gave me a bonus. He asked me to change the channel to something more
interesting. Oh, I was never so glad to do something for my brother. And away
I went.
Oh gosh, I couldn't study for the life of me. Not only did I
immediately turned on the TV, but had, in less than five minutes time, had fallen
madly in love with Janet Margolin and knew that she wouldn't let me down.
Glancing at the clock, there was less than 60 minutes left in the movie. I paced
back and forth, praying for a rematch and hoping that Margolin would emerge
victorious over the Amazon who stole her man. But what if she lost? What if she
was beaten up by this tough, strong blond? Oh, I thought, it didn't matter, as
long as she had the courage to fight.
The minutes passed, slowly. The
plot droned on and on. Finally, Margolin arrived upon a house, run by a woman of
course, another blond, and asked for help. After some back and forth bickering, it
was clear that her requests for help weren't getting any traction with the lady
of the house. So Margolin flat out asked her, "What do I have to do? Fight
you?" So the lady said something like "Yes, because
that's how we do things here" and that's when the fight started. It was
quickly interrupted by the lady's two children, but not before Margolin had twisted her opponents arm behind her back and forced her to her knees.
Watch: HS asks for directions
Oh yes, I thought, That's how you do it!
Once she established that she could fight, the blond, who I think was played by Sally Kemp, advised Margolin that the only way she could get her man back was to fight Muldaur. But she couldn't do that in her goofy green and yellow pantsuit, so Kemp had Margolin dressed in typical amazon gear: a halter top allowing for a bare midriff, a skirt slit up the middle revealing a bikini bottom, and boots. The fight, the housemistress said, would be the next day, i.e., right after a commercial break. Well, of course.
After the longest two minutes of commercials in history, and with my stuff as hard as a rock, the day finally came. On horseback, Kemp and Margolin came trotting in to the male slave auction where Muldaur was placing Saxon up for the highest bid. But Margolin announced that she was the real owner and was prepared to fight for her property.
Now the truth is, it was a dumb, pathetic fight but the sight of these two very attractive gals battling each other in their skimpy outfits floored me. It stayed in my mind for years and being that this pre-dated VHS tapes, not to mention computers and the internet, I spent countless hours searching TV listings for reruns.
And the winner? Margolin.
Watch: The Big Fight!!
Coming from a family of dark brunettes, I took such great pleasure in watching her beat the blonde.
But as the years rolled by, I found that I was not always rooting for the brunette.
Since he passed away many years ago, and because I
don't think it's possible to libel a dead guy (and besides, the truth is never
libelous), my earliest memory on this topic traces back to one of my
babysitters, Ronnie Grindel. Ronnie was the teenage son of a man and
woman who were friends of my parents. I thought he was a pretty cool guy
but when you're 8 or 9, all 17 year olds are cool.
How cool was he? He only babysat me three times. The first time, my
folks were out with his folks, and he was pretty normal which was amazing
because he had a reputation as a trouble maker. My mom was a bit nervous
about letting him sit me but my dad said it was OK. All I can recall is
that he asked me a lot of questions, kind of probed me to see if I was a rat or
a player, so to speak, which I thought was kinda funny. He swore me to secrecy
saying that I couldn't reveal the contents of our conversation with anybody.
Funny thing is that I don't remember what the conversations were about, sex
probably, but it all went over my head.
The third and last time he sat me, about three months later we had a good
time. After swearing me to secrecy again, and I've kept that promise
until now (decades later), he broke out the porn magazines. He also
opened a pouch and pulled out a what I think was vodka and proceeded to get hammered.
Needless to say, that was then end of Ronnie the
babysitter.
This is relevant, in a long roundabout way, because of the second babysitting
experience I had with Ronnie. As usual, he swore me to secrecy and then he talked and talked. At some point the
conversation veered to girls. Blondes and brunettes. Seems he was dating
a girl with an Italian heritage and naturally she was a brunette with big dark
brown eyes. The previous weekend her and another girl, a blonde, had argued at
a party and went out to the backyard of this house and got into a fight. Being
that it was the summer, Ronnie explained to me that they were both wearing
shorts and fought in their bare feet. The blonde beat up his brunette
girlfriend pretty bad. He wasn't broken up by it and he actually enjoyed
watching this blonde, who it turned out he really liked, beat up his
girlfriend, who, it turned out, he didn't really like. Ronnie, by the way, had
a blonde crew cut, and was, at least in his opinion, really popular with
girls. And, he really got turned on by watching them fight, especially
blondes and brunettes, he explained to me. Oh yes, he said, and the
blonde girls always won because they were stronger and more athletic than the
brunettes which meant they were better fighters. Better yet, they were
prettier, which is why the brunettes hated them and always picked fights with
them. Just you wait, he told me, you'll see and when you do always bet on the girl with blonde hair.
I was really fascinated by this.
Another thing, he explained to me was that girls like to take their shoes off
when they fought. That's what his (ex) girlfriend and the blonde did ... they
took their shoes off and fought barefoot on the grass. They get a better grip
on the ground you know, he explained to me. Even in the winter they'll
take off their shoes and fight in stocking feet. Just wait, he said, you'll see
as you get older. You'll see how the brunettes are jealous of blondes and
sometimes start fight with them only to get beat up. And they'll kick their
shoes off. This went on for a while. I asked him if it applied to guys as well,
and he said it did a little bit, but guys weren't as interested in another guys
hair and didn't get jealous of each other like girls did.
I couldn't get enough of it and wouldn't let the conversation go.
He started thinking I was weird.
Several months later, I was browsing the comic book section at the local Kresge's (later to become K Mart) and came upon the now famous Anthro #6 that feature a blonde and brunette cave girl fighting over Anthro. I didn't dare buy the magazine with the change I had in my pocket, fearing what me mother might say. Later, when I returned by myself , it was gone and I was heartbroken.
Over time, I forgot the name of the comic, but that image stayed with me forever.
Only thru the magic of the internet was I able to track it down decades later, and here it is for you to see.
Maybe a year or two later there was a show on TV named "McCloud" starring Dennis Weaver. Lo and behold, one of the episodes co-starred blonde haired Linda Evans and brunette Stephanie Powers, both of them vying for Weaver's affection. About half way through the episode they got into a rousing, not to mention arousing catfight. Watching it on the couch with my father, I was speechless. And I was thrilled. After the blonde Evans finished beating up Powers, I was tempted to say, "Ronnie was right!" but wisely kept my mouth shut.
.
What is this blog about?
Blondes vs. Brunettes, of course, but not necessarily the 1984 ABC TV special starring Morgan Fairchild and the battling brunette from Dynasty, Miss Joan Collins. But that's part of what this blog is about.
The whole rivalry between blondes and brunettes - that's what this blog is about. It's been going on, so to speak, for over a thousand years. I'm fascinated by it. Maybe you are, too.
The rivalry takes a number of forms, not the least of which is physical.
