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week’s blog and a double thanks to ***Diasi*** for leaving a comment on last week’s blog
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Some years back, I was
talking to a friend of mine. I think Frank and I were both in our
mid 30s at the time. We were getting sloshed in a bar in Atlantic City, while
the wives were out on the floor tossing cash into the slots. As we sat in
the lounge area, the casino's cocktail waitresses were sashaying to and fro
from the service bar getting drinks for the folks out on the floor. The
mostly middle aged staff was attractively attired in micro miniskirts and heels
and was definitely getting attention, especially mine. (Side note: sadly, these
days a lot of the casino cocktail gals have joined the rest of the world's wait
staff sartorial club by wearing black slacks instead of skirts.
Yeccchh.)
Anyway, as the night wore on I noticed a couple of the ladies, one blonde and
one brunette, bickering at the service bar. Nothing dramatic or noisy, but it
caught my attention. Later, after several drinks, I was stumbling back
from the men's room and I heard the blonde, who was staring at the brunette walking
away with a tray full of cocktails, tell the bartender "If she tries that
again, I'll kill her!"
I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about but when I got back to the table I told my buddy that if we were patient enough and waited around, we might get to see the two ladies get into a catfight or at least get to watch the blonde slap the brunette. He was flabbergasted when I said it; I mean I think the guy even blushed. I explained to him what had happened and he was astounded that I had picked up on this. Naturally, as we waited for a battle royal to break out, the conversation drifted over to the topic of catfights in general and as we shot the breeze he confessed that he had never seen two girls fight, not once in his entire life. And I just thought that was hilarious because by that time I had seen at least a dozen fights and when I told him that he just flat out refused to believe me. I think the exact words were "You're a lying bitch."
"No, it's true, I'm
telling you, I mean how could you not see any of these in your life? It's
not like a catfight is a unicorn, they do occur you know."
So I told him a story about one of the fights I had seen back when I was home
from college on spring break.
There I was, cruising in my brother's early 1970s Ford Pinto (talk about
traveling in style, well listen, they has a reputation for blowing up in rear
end collisions at the time, so he bought this one which was in pretty good
shape for a couple of hundred dollars and figured what the hell we're all
young and invincible, so cares about all the rear end collision scare stories?)
Anyway, it's about 3pm and I decide to cruise past my old middle school and
check out some of the young sillies walking down the street in skirts and
nylons. At the time, the school hosted grades 6-9 so the upper-class
chicks were 14-15 and definitely starting to look good. Me, I was an
18 year old college freshman who was regularly making out
with his 16 year old neighbor, so cute little 15 year olds was still in my
wheelhouse so to speak. Not for sex, but big time kissing.
So I'm a cool looking dark haired guy with shades on and the driver's window
rolled down and as I'm idling through the crowd that is walking home after
school this pretty dark haired girl looks at me and says "Hey,
seexxxxyy" as I drive by. So naturally, I think "jackpot!"
and look around for a safe place to make a U-turn. But the crowd is thick as
school has just let out and I'm hemmed in. I can remember to this day the low
level panic I was in because I figure that nice looking gal would disappear on
me soon enough. Just then I hear some young guy yell out "Hey, c'mon,
let's get this thing over with!"
Get what thing over with?
So I'm making a three point turn, slowly, and I hear another guy yell "Get
her over here and let's go!"
Now I'm thinking, as I finish making my turn, "No, this can't
be!"
Sure enough, as I idle back in the direction I came from there's this blonde
standing on the side of the street, surrounded by guys and they're all pointing
at this brunette on the side walk about fifty feet away, surrounded by her
boyfriends and girlfriends.
"Steady" I'm saying to myself, "Just find a parking spot and
don't run anybody over."
I keep moving down the street
but it's packed with parked cars. Starting to panic. The girl who
thinks I'm sexy? I can still see her and can still go down and see if she
needs a ride, but she might just tell me to get lost and what if that
happens and there's a fight up here that I miss?
Ah shit!
Finally, I whip into a
parking spot... forget the girl walking away, I've got to see if this is a
fight. Now I'm out of the car and walking back to where the two girls are.
Stay cool, buddy, walk slowly
like you're just passing by and by all means stop hyperventilating.
I read once on a web site
something like "When a catfight is about to break out, there is
electricity in the air!" Oh, they got that right; there were little lightning
bolts shooting around and the popping noise of sparks as I watched the dark
haired girl move toward the blonde. But she kept stopping ... it was
clear she was a reluctant fighter. The blonde on the other hand, kept
walking slowly to the brunette.
Finally they were face to
face and the brunette was just babbling away, it was clear she was trying to
talk her way out of it, but the blonde was primed and ready to go and started
pointing her finger right in the brunettes face, telling her that she had a big
mouth. So one of the guys pushes the brunette into the blonde and the brunette
spins around, conceivably to tell the guy to knock it off but before she does,
the blonde shoves her back and now the young guys are yelling "Hit
her!!" "C'mon, fight!!"
So the brunette shoves her
open palm into the blonde's face. It wasn't a slap and it wasn't a
punch. It was kind of like Jimmy Cagney shoving a grapefruit in Mae
Clark's face, minus the grapefruit.
I'm not really sure what the
point behind it was, but the blonde immediately made a fist and *SMACK* landed
a punch right in the brunettes face causing her to stumble back, dazed.
That's when I noticed that she was, among other things, very pretty.
Collar length dark brown hair, big brown eyes, a sharp little nose, and a
beautiful face that had the look of being completely stunned and totally
lost and confused. My guess is she had never been in a fight in her
life and didn't have the slightest clue what she was supposed to do but
with all her friends egging her on she had to do something so she lunged
forward with her hands up and out. I think she was going for the
blonde's hair but of course the blonde would have none of that hair
pulling nonsense, at least not yet, and *SMACK* another punch and then
*SMACK*
*SMACK* *SMACK*
*SMACK*
Falling back, the brunette,
who I suddenly realized had a name -- "Ginny" -- had her hands up in
front of her face trying to ward off the relentless blows coming from this
tough little blonde. Now if you've seen these fights before you know what
comes next. With the brunette in a completely defensive posture, the
blonde reaches over and grabs two handfuls of her hair and then pulls
her head down and now the dark haired girl is completely helpless as she's bent
over at the waist and essentially reduced to staring at the pavement as she's
at the complete mercy of the blonde who, of course has no mercy. So now the blonde lets go of the brunette's
hair with her right hand while she keeps holding it down with her left hand and
then uses her right hand or should I say fist to start delivering right uppercuts to the
brunette's face. *SMACK* *SMACK* *SMACK*
Poor Ginny, now she's dropped
down on one knee and her dark nylons are starting to rip on the pavement.
Her friends are yelling
"Get up Ginny, get up!!" but the fight is long over; Ginny never
had a chance. The good news is the blonde is too tired of hitting
her so the punches have stopped and now she's saying something to Ginny
instead, what I'm not really sure.
Finally Ginny blurts
out, "OK, I'm sorry, I'm sorry" and with that, the blonde lets
go. Ginny stands up and brushes her hair back, fortunate that even a
tough little blonde doesn't have the physical strength at the age of 13 or 14
to do much damage. Oh, I'm sure it hurt, but I think her pride was hurt
more than anything. No blood and I suspect the worse thing Ginny
might have suffered was a fat lip. Her friends start leading her away and
as they do, she explodes into tears. Poor Ginny.
The blonde, for her part, is
telling some guy "I told you, didn't I? I told you!" and then
turns to another guy and says "If you're her friend you better tell her to
keep her mouth shut!"
Me? I slinked away,
back to my car. Truthfully, I didn't like what I had just seen. I
should have been turned on, right? Two young girls, about the same size,
both in short skirts and nylons. One girl with dark brown hair and brown
eyes, the other a blue eyed blonde. Toe to toe in a fight. I
should have had a monstrous hard on but I didn't. Maybe it was because
the brunette was beat up. As I drove away, Ginny was at the bus stop with
her friends, still crying. I don't know, maybe she deserved it. Maybe she
was the bad girl and the blonde was the good girl but the blonde was
awfully aggressive for a good girl. And I suspect she knew that she could
fight and maybe knew that Ginny couldn't. I don't know.
After I passed Ginny at the
bus stop crying her eyes out, I came upon a red light and looking into my own
image in the rear view mirror, I said to myself, "I never want to see two
girls fight again."
Hahahaha!!
That lasted about a week.
Hahahahah!!
So I'm wrapping up this fight
story in the lounge, minus all the touchy-feely bullshit I just wrote in the
above paragraph, and here come the wives ready to turn in for the night and of
course, we never get to see the two cocktail servers pull each other’s hair
out.
So what's the point in all
this? Well, the point is that the catfights are out there, you just have
to pay attention and have that radar turned on at all times.
As for Ginny, ~40 years
later, I still think about her from time to time. Pretty girl.
Tough watching her get her ass kicked.
I cheer myself up by watching
these nice blonde vs. brunette beach wrestling videos:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KzbuzW7_73Q&list=FLeKYDZ9U5YYXvjCzvHfC6cA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0NGL1_Lbsz0&list=FLeKYDZ9U5YYXvjCzvHfC6cA
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7HLaMCqkDY
Well done, Ginny.
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As you can see, I sprinkled
a few videos throughout the blog entry and, in response to Diasi’s comment I
decided to keep a log of winners and losers (in these five videos, the blondes
were the winners!). And since I was
building the log based on real catfights, I thought I’d do the same for TV
& movie catfights which are more interesting, in a way, because they often use
a “good girl – bad girl’ theme. So we’ll
keep track of that, too.
So here’s my analysis of the
TV & movie fights, thus far:
Planet Earth. Good girl brunette, Janet Margolin, defeats
the bad blonde played by Diana Muldaur.
Dynasty. The good blonde
Linda Evans beats up the wickedly evil brunette, Joan Collins.
Woman They Almost
Lynched. Bad blonde Audrey Totter (RIP)
beaten up by the good brunette Joan Leslie.
McCloud. Stefanie Powers was the aggressor, so I guess
that makes her a bad brunette. She got
her comeuppance and a good head dunking from Linda Evans.
Sail a Crooked Ship. Brunette Carolyn Jones came across as a bit
of a bitch compared to blonde haired goody-two-shoes Delores Hart who did go on
to become a Catholic nun, for heaven’s sake, so we’ll call the blonde the good
girl and the brunette the bad girl but the fight was broken up before we had a winner.
Hotel Paradise. The brunette was definitely the bad bitch in
that movie, although the blonde prisoner wasn’t exactly the kind of girl you’d
bring home to mother. But the
face-slapping scene didn’t have a winner.
Honey West. Brunette Diane Foster was a first class cunt
who killed her criminal partner in a very cruel and devious manner, fully
deserving the ass whipping handed to her by our wonderful and wonderfully
blonde Ann Francis.
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Finally, we’ll keep track of
the competitive stuff, starting with the Vintage Backyard Wrestling video form
the December 29th blog entry which was clearly won by the blonde.
My original intent was to recap some of the key events
where blondes and brunettes competed against each other but with all of the
athletes wrapped up in hats, helmets and face masks, it’s kind of difficult to figure
out who is the blonde and who is the brunette. Sure, I can Google every athlete
and try to figure out if they’re a blonde or a brunette, but hey, that’s a lot
of freakin’ work.
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